Q : After winter comes spring; likewise after death comes life. It is a continuous cycle that will last forever! The end will be the same as the beginning, because there is no end and no beginning, there is no first or last, the future will reach in the past...
A : Dear friend, I don't see anything unusual in what you write. In many writings I dealt with the topic of cycles, cadences and rhythms occurring in Nature in general and the individual nature of man and his karma or destiny in particular.
Therefore in your thoughts I don't see anything dramatic that can justify so much anxiety.
Do you say you want to be initiated? What do you want to be initiated to? How and by whom? Answer yourself and then re-ask the question. But first think of whom you are, what you want.
Only then you can think what you would like to become, and once decided, go for it.
But before you try and achieve the chosen initiatory Model you must be able to recognize it. And it is not guaranteed that in our ‘ingenuous ignorance' we are able to recognize the right one straight away and we don't confuse it with one of the many shams sold by Cats & Foxes (see note) - all believable - that crowd the world of esotericism.
Note: The Cat and the Fox are two characters from ‘The Adventures of Pinocchio', where they are depicted as two con-men. The expression remains in the Italian language to describe swindlers
Therefore we must be careful to what is offered to us, sometimes with a smile (remember, hypocrites always smile). We must watch that it isn't a dream or, even worse, a trap.
The recognition is difficult but the Path we choose depends on it; Dante said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Therefore, as the poet suggests, we need a safe guide to recognize the (inner) model that we need and show it to us. If the guide is an Instructor as well, he can help us reaching the model by explaining how and how much .
But an Instructor must be repaid by offering all our unconditional good will and discipline, otherwise the relationship doesn't work.
You wonder if I am an Initiate; I don't think it matters, because what counts is that you are not and you should focus on becoming one.